The Inner Struggle with Myself-I always win-and then I lose…..

Most of my adult struggles seem to revolve around my relationship with my parents.  And their ever increasing “selective memory”.  I have this constant struggle, because I hear from people all the time that when my parents are gone, I am really going to miss them.  People who have lost their parents are constantly telling me how lucky I am that my parents are still alive, and call me callous and uncaring, but I really don’t think my life is going to change all that much, except for the fact that I will not have the constant feeling of guilt over not calling them once a week.  I struggle with myself.  Good Tracey, “You really need to call them-it’s been over a week.”  Realistic Tracey, “Oh, PLEASE don’t make me call them-you never know what they are going to say, but I can tell you it is probably just going to irritate the fuck out of me.”  So.  After almost two weeks of struggling, I call.  After a few minutes of chit chat, “How have you been? ”  “Oh, good, we haven’t really been doing anything.”  No shit.  Dad has congestive heart failure and can’t walk 10 steps because his knees are shot and he isn’t a “viable candidate” for replacement because of the heart thing and diabetes, so you sit in your deteriorating house with all your piles of junk around you and watch old movies and cardinal baseball games.  Shoot me.  Immediately the conversation turns to, “Well, Donny’s Air conditioning went out and it cost him $400 to get it fixed.”   Me, “Oh that’s awful.”  then, “We went to Dee’s graduation.”  Me, “Yes, I saw the picture-Jesus, Dee and Ronnie are both almost as wide as they are tall.”  (I’m a hag, Ok-this is not news)  “Wellllll, but she had her flack jacket on under her her shirt-they had to be in dull uniform.”  Me:”Oh admit it Mother, (who can’t stand Dee BTW-so I don’t know why she feels like she needs to defend her) she is a tank, and I’m sure the community feels so much safer knowing that Ronnie AND Dee are both law enforcement, now.  I’m glad I live up here.  “Well, Ronnie came out and got the RV (think Cousin Eddie’s RV in Christmas Vacation) he is taking everybody camping in Linn for the 4th.  Do you remember Ron Marshall with AAA (I made that name up-because I can’t remember the guys real name-but I remember the back story)?  Well, he has a really nice place on the river and he and Ronnie are good friends.  Me “That’s Nice”  There really should be some punctuation for sarcasm.   “Ron Marshall” or Denny Dingle or whatever the fuck this guys name is was my PARENTS AAA Representative whenever they had their service station and wrecker service-you know the one my brother stole from them.  My parents had a CONTRACT with AAA that they were the only wrecker service within a 30 mile radius that was AAA.  They had done business with their Representative-until my brother-who met him THROUGH my parents started doing towing for AAA.  Nice.  But OK, Mother-if you don’t care that your youngest son, stole your business and caused you to go bankrupt and then essentially stole your house and your property-I don’t care either.  God knows I don’t want to have to try to figure out what to do with all of that trash when you are gone.  Then we went through the, “What’s going on with Dani?  I saw where she posted on facebook where she had to have her phone shut off-is she not still working at Ulta?”  Me, “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Dani, I can get you in the door-but I can’t keep you here.  You are going to have to bring your “A” game and step up to the plate.”  “Dani will do anything you ask her to-but you have to tell her, she just stands there otherwise, she does nothing extra, she is not a self started or very motivated to do anything.  She is as sweet and nice as they come, but this is a job and unfortunately this is a matter of I didn’t raise her and the person who did did not instill a very strong work ethic in her-for that matter any work ethic at all! I only feel bad to a certain extent-I feel bad that she is married to a worthless POS but that is the example her Mother taught her.  You stay with someone no matter how miserable they make you.  Now you are miserable-but you can say, I’ve been married to the same person for 35 years!”  Now at this point I wonder if my Mother (and Father who is also on the phone, but only allowed to interject the occasional word) see the direct correlation tho their own relationship and I decide I need to wrap this up.  But before I do Mother has to tell me how cute Ronnie’s kids are ( I’m assuming she means actions-because these are the homeliest kids I have seen in my life)  and I just say, “Uh, huh, well, I’d better be getting to bed, it’s been a long day (week, month)”  After all 30 minutes of sheer torture is exhausting, and now I’m good for another week (10 days to 2 weeks if I can stretch it out).  I know, I’m a horrible daughter, so it’s a damn good thing that Donny (the chosen one-you know the one who made the 70-80’s a living hell for them between his escapades with the local police in high school and his stint in prison after high school) calls them EVERY NIGHT (as Mother is so fond of telling me) and Ronnie calls them 2-3 times a WEEK.  Of course most of the time it is to tell my mother that a renter (you know in one of the apartments that Ronnie stole from them) has moved out and she needs to get it cleaned up so it can be shown.  Because Ronnie in all of his generosity pays my parents $200/mo to manage the property that used to be theirs.  This is the shit that really tempts me to wash my Xanax down with a nice shot of whiskey……


About myway77

I am a 56 year old Mother of 2, Step-Mother of 3, Grandmother of 6. After 23 years of being a Cosmetologist/Nail Tech/Esthetician I recently started a whole new career with an Amazing company. This is the story of where and how I started and the long road to where I am. One thing has always remained a constant in my life-my 1st Cousin and Best Friend "Liza Jane" or Leisa Carroll-my #1 partner in crime !
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