It seems sometimes that my whole life has been filled with the constant up and down of drugs and alcohol. Some of the drugs prescribed, some (OK-lots) self medication and the alcohol was partially mine but mostly others and all of it affecting me in one way or the other. So now I find myself at 54 on more drugs than I have ever been on in my life and it seems that every time I go to the store I have another new prescription to pick up.
The latest one is Zoloft and is an Anti-Depressant. It was prescribed because at my last Doctors appointment she asked if I was sleeping OK. I told her fine-I take an over the counter “Night Time Sleep Aid” and BAM! Out like a rock. I didn’t tell her that I have been doing this for close to 15 years and it works just fine. I don’t have a problem FALLING asleep-I have a problem STAYING asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night to pee and when I go back to bed I lay there and toss and turn and try to solve all the problems of the world at a time of the night where you can’t possibly solve anything. Or I re-live different parts of my life and play “What I should have done”. Or the same song plays over and over in my head. It’s like I told her-I can’t shut my brain off. With the NTSA which is essentially Benadryl, I get up, I go pee and I go right back to sleep-not a problem. She didn’t seem to think that this was good for me and put me on Zoloft. Ok. So I will be the first to admit that maybe an anti-depressant isn’t a bad idea. I come through a long line of Bi-Polar on both sides of my family, and I have always enjoyed the “manic” buzzzzzz and periodically go through the downward spiral of depression. Usually it doesn’t last too long, if you don’t count the several years in the 90’s where my husband moved out three times. And since I had just gone through my usually “I hate the holidays” funk, I decided to give it a whirl. So the first couple of days I definitely felt weird, and thought about kicking it to the curb. Then I actually did notice that I am a little calmer and while I still THINK the same things, my mind is actually processing thoughts a little slower and not everything seems to be buzzing around in my head at a frantic rate like normal, so I’ll give it a few weeks. Just one problem. One of the side effects is apparently, insomnia-ummm, what? Isn’t that just a teensy bit counter-productive? While I don’t find myself tossing and turning and looking at the clock every five minutes, thinking, “Oh My GOD! I have to get up in two hours!!” I am laying there, re-living my life and thinking I should just get up and write it all down, if for no other reason than to get it out of my brain.
I did come to the realization while rehashing several events (and yes, I will eventually put them in writing) that happened during my teen and twenties, that alot of what I allowed to happen while totally my fault came about because I come from a LONG line of “Bullshit Storytellers” , again, on both sides of the family. Looking back , I NOW realize that most of it was just that. Bullshit and a damn good story that as a small child I would sit there and listen to the adults around me compare stories about their escapades earlier in life. Oh, I’m sure there was some basis to the stories and a lot of exaggeration. And I know it has all made me who I am today-but some of the situations I put myself in while they are damn good stories, I am incredibly lucky to be alive. On the flip side, I definitely LIVED my life. How I managed #1 Not to die or #2 Not to end up in jail is by the grace of God, for which I am eternally grateful. There will be several stories that I will change names and leave out certain events-but I will try to put it down the way it played. Everything happens for a reason, you know. And it all ends up in the here and the now-again, Thank God.