Not quite sure what happens when the sun shifts going into fall/winter mode, usually fall is such an optimistic time for me. Every serious relationship I have had in my life started in the fall. Something about the smell of the air. Well, I hope the wind changes-fast. Right now, I am in the middle (or I hope it’s the middle anyway-one never knows how long this shit is going to last) of one of my infamous “blue funks”. I hate feeling like this. Like nothing matters. And wondering why. What is the point of anything. That has a period because it is actually a statement-not a question.
Talking to my favorite Aunt the other day and she was bummed because one of her last remaining aunts is coming to the end of her life. Now this lady is elderly and has LIVED a pretty amazing life. But she has also seen the death of brothers and sisters and is the last one left. And this is a lady who family means everything to. Her family was tight. My family is not even close to tight. I am close to my kiddos and to my first cousin (who is actually more like my sister) and to my Aunt. But I sit here and think that if I wasn’t here, would anyone even miss me for longer than a day? Have I made a difference to anyone?
The weirdest fucking things can set me off. I had mentioned to Michael the other day that I needed to plant some flowers in the pots out front. The next day he asked when I wanted to go get the flowers. I didn’t answer. He asked again and I went off (fucking batshit crazy lady) about how tired I am of having to BE somewhere every fucking day. I can’t ever just stay home and do NOTHING. I get it. I get the fact that he is home every day and that on my days off he wants to go and do something. I get the fact that since he really doesn’t have to be anywhere or do anything , once he gets something on his mind he is obsessed with it. (That shirt he saw on Hollister, or a yoga workshop or the fucking flowers for the pots out front). I’m tired. I’m tired of working everyday of my life since I was a kid. I’m tired of making sure that all the bills are paid, that Michael needs his haircut , that I need to make cookies or clean the bathrooms. I know I should be happy that I am not trying to figure out where I am going to get the money to pay bills with. Am I ever happy? Am I ever satisfied? I feel like I am just pissy all the time. When I was cleaning the other day, I ran across the letter Michael had put on the table when he left me 14 years ago. “Now you can be happy. Now you can be by yourself and watch whatever you want on tv” So really nothing has changed I guess. I don’t want to be by myself all the time-but sometimes it would be nice. Sometimes I feel like I just need to sit by the water (I love water) and do nothing but listen to it.
OK I had to leave so the realtor can show the house (it’s for sale) and I think that is adding to the stress. Trying to keep everything looking perfect and sterile clean (not in my nature) and working all the time along with trying to deal with the Millenials that I have to work with that have absolutely -0- work ethic and it is all I can do not to punch them in the throat (anger issues….)
But I think I feel better. I just took my car to the car wash where they detail it until it looks brand new. It cost me $50 which I paid without blinking an eye. I think back to the year I started Cosmetology school (the same day that Clayton started kindergarten) and I was driving a piece of shit car that broke down on me. The “dustmobile” it was a Dodge Aspen. I walked down our lane with the kids-a mere two and a half miles so they could catch the bus. Then I walked up Newburg hill to catch a ride with another girl from school-probably another 2 miles. We lived in a house that had a walnut tree growing behind the stove(I have pictures) -which tells you there was one hell of a hole in the floor. But that is what you get for $100 a month. And I was so happy to have a roof over my head. No matter what we have never been homeless. It was close a couple of times, and there were times that calling the building we were living in a house was a stretch-but we did it.
Signed up for a 10 day yoga workshop at the end of the month-every morning at 6:00. I hate getting up early, but I can totally do it for 10 days and here’s to making myself a calmer, happier person.