I have been going through some of the hardest periods of depression I have had in years. I hate it. It sucks the life out of me and then I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I think about how I am actually worth more dead than alive. Then I think fat fucking lot of good that would do me. I’d be dead. And dead is dead. I don’t want to die-I just want this to stop. I want my head to stop going over and over the same old shit and I want to stop being tired.
Its a culmination of everything sucking at once.
My job. I love, love, love what I do and I do it really well. My General Manager sucks and my District Manager sucks even more. I had purchased a magazine from the Harvard Business Review called “How to work with Toxic Colleagues” I had made copies of it for everyone at work, because I thought it would be helpful. Mark (DM) came in for a visit and picked it up and said, “Hmmmm, do you identify yourself in this article, Tracey?” I laughed and said, “Umm, No. I am not TOXIC, Mark, but thanks.” He then started reading paragraphs and said, “Um, yeah-this is totally you.”
Then he told me that he had talked to my “peers” and he was told that “something had to be done about Tracey”. And that I was, “everything that was wrong with the store”. And that while the employee survey was better than last years, it was still the lowest in the district and that was my fault, because no one likes me and that I have to make an effort to be super nice to everyone. The turnover at our store is also the highest in the district and that is my fault, too. AND that there are vendors who LOVE to work with me and vendors who REFUSE to work with me. That I could sell anything and I was one of the best salespeople he has ever met in his life, but unfortunately, I am the PM and not a Prestige Consultant. When he asked what I just heard him say, I was quite honestly, more than a little taken aback because I have worked really hard to build this business and thought up until then that I was doing a great job. I replied that it sounded like he was telling me that I needed to find a new job and he told me that if things didn’t change in the store that was exactly what he was telling me.
I could have pointed out that I have taken this store to an “A” volume Prestige Department (2 years ago) and yet the store was still an “B” Volume and that my department is up 39% over last year or that the high turnover is because the GM insists on hiring college students who think that they are going to get to stand around all day and play in the makeup and when they find out that they are cashiers-they quit showing up. Then he told me that He and I were just alike. I, of course just sat there and bit my tongue. I didn’t think it would help my cause to point out that I wasn’t a DICK. So, I have been applying for other jobs-maybe I need a change. That is a part of my funk-I love what I do, and I don’t want to stop doing it.
Home. I am so tired of working, I get up every day and go to work. Michael gets up every day and goes to the gym. On my days off, I always have something to do or somewhere I have to be. I was off today and I had to go and teach for two hours this morning. Starting on Tuesday, I an going to have to start getting up at 5:00 again for 10 days for the yoga immersion. I enjoy yoga and I fucking hate getting up at 5:00 am. I just tell myself it just 10 days.
I have been working non-stop for the past 13 years since he had his stroke. He says that he worked for 25 years and blah, blah blah. That’s great. We had only been married 10 years when he stopped working. So, now do I feel petty? NO. Am I jealous? Fuck yes. I know I should count my fucking blessings, but when my mind goes here, I can’t SEE any.
Anyone who actually knows me just might want to skip the next paragraph. It contains sex or me bitching about the lack thereof….
I hate where out relationship is right now. I know after 24 years we are at a comfortable place. You know-like an old pair of shoes. I miss the romance. I miss him telling me what I mean to him. I hate it that he spends all of his time working on his body and I look like a bag of potatoes. I know its great that he has found something to do with his time. Working out and painting. I pisses me off when he tells people he is “retired”. I hate feeling like someones retirement plan. And I miss sex. I have found that we go a little longer and a little longer in between. It makes me feel like I’m not attractive to him anymore. He hasn’t lost the desire for HIM to look good. Once I mention that it has been a long time, I’m not going to mention it again-I don’t need to beg-that’s pathetic.
I don’t feel appreciated. And I hate the feeling of being responsible for fucking everything. We had a showing on our house today and I had to spend a solid hour flying around, cleaning bathrooms, and dusting and thinking-I shouldn’t have to do any of this shit! You are here all fucking day! I want to be able to sit here and read or watch tv and knit.. But no. This Wednesday (day off) yoga at 6:00. Drop the cats off at the Vet to be groomed. Then I have Helen coming up from Rolla so I can do her hair then I have to do Michael’s hair (if I don’t do it Wednesday-I will have to do it next Sunday after I teach for two hours again. And then of course, I have to go to the grocery store. I’m tired. And now I’m tired of talking about all of this bullshit, and I think I’ll just go to bed.