I know I am my own best friend, but sometimes I am also my worst enemy.
I think a change, is headed my way. It’s been a fucking hard, hard, fall. So many things in my little tiny mind.
Today, I went to a different Dr. about my back (hip/leg/foot). The pain management Dr. I had been going to just wanted to do ablasions (fucking super painful-with NO results) Now granted, he gave me Valium-which is always a win, but the pain during the procedures was so intense (stick and a poke…..now a little pressure. LITTLE Pressure? Are you fucking kidding me?) The first time it worked like a charm for a year and the three, yes, THREE after that had no results. And trust me when I tell you that Valium isn’t THAT good… I have just been muddling through, but cronic, persistant pain gets old realy quick-THEN I fell on the deck. The highlight of my visit with Dr. Laura Lisa (yes, Laura Lisa) Billings was as she was looking at my x-rays and showing me how the vertebra are compacting “prematurely” which could be the cause of the numbness in my leg and foot. Then she asks, “How old are you?” I told her 57 and she she laughs and said, “WELL, you don’t look your age, so maybe it really isn’t “prematurely…..”
We talked about a treatment plan. I start Physical Therapy week after next, that’s the soonest I could get in, and she wanted to prescribe a medication to help with the pain. While she was going over my medical records she asked, “I see you take Xanax, do you have anxiety? Me, “At times” LL, “Before I prescribe the medication I want you to try, I have to ask you a question.” Her question was, “Have you ever had suicidial tendancies?” My answer, “Ummm, you might want to go with another medication.” Her response, “Within the past year?” me: “Ummm, Within the past MONTH. Life has just been kinda sucky lately.” At this time she stopped, rolled her stool back from the keyboard and we talked for just a few minutes about all kinds of things. She is about my age and very empathatic to the whole “This is it?” scenario. I thought I would be FAMOUS! I would DO some brilliant SOMETHING and everyone would, oh shit-I don’t know what I expected-but it wasn’t this. I did not tell her that of course. She told me that she thought it would be a good idea/and wanted to know if I was open to therapy. I told her I would be open to that. At one point while I was talking about everyday bs (life, job, blah, blah blah) and that I was just TIRED of even thinking about everything, she asked me if I had a plan and I told her, “of course” At that point she asked if I needed her to contact someone today, right now. I smiled and told her that I was doing much better in the past couple of weeks and I promise to go to therapy. She was more concerned that I have a support system, and while I have Michael, he just doesn’t get it. My cousin Leisa and my Aunt Sandi totally get it, and I know they are there if I need them. If I thought for an instant that I would be on the beach in a terry cloth robe staring at the ocean and comtemplating life (thats how it is in the movies…..) I would have gone in an instant. I am not so out of touch with reality that know I would have ended up in a sterile psych ward across town and aint nobody got time for that! She told me that her office would send a referral and the referring office would be in touch. Explaining all of this to Michael was a little different. He said, “So you have two THERAPISTS? Physical Therapists?” I said, “Well, one of them is a
Physical Therapist.” And he said, “What the other one? Mental-HAHA.” I said, “Actually, yes. That’s what you get for being a smartass, now can we wait until we get in the car to talk about this?” He just shook his head and gave a nervous laugh. Michael lives in an alternate reality where if something is unpleasant you ignore it and it will go away. He has never WANTED for anything. Never dealt with abuse and doesn’t have the worry of really anything. For the past 23 years, I have been the one to figure out where I was going to pull a rabbit out of my hat to pay bills, buy groceries, etc. That’s at least a non issue now. We aren’t rolling in it, but I have a nice handle on it-now if I can just keep it that way.
I wish, I had the resources to tell work that I will be back in a week and go to Standing Rock. Michael said he would go with me-but he won’t go to the protest, he’ll hang at the motel. He knows me well enough that I am not camping. But instead I’ll send donations and do what I can. Can you tell the Xanax is kickin in? La La La.
I can’t take direction, and my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cause I can’t do nothin’ right
I can’t take the person starin’ back at me
I’m a hazard to myself
I’m my own worst enemy
It’s bad when you annoy yourself
Don’t wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
All you have to change is everything you are.”
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She’s so pretty, that just ain’t me
A day in the life of someone else?