The following is a post (OK, a rant) that I put on Facebook last weekend. Then after much deliberation and soul searching I decided it was actually a blog post. Aft all I don’t need all of my friends (real and of the facebook variety) knowing that I am more than a little unstable and have anger issues. So here is the original post…
My day started off so nice….Beautiful weather, all the usual critters showing up for feeding time at the zoo and I was only going to have to work for three hours. It all went south pretty fast. #1 I HATE being played by someone that I thought was my friend. #2 You won’t get that opportunity again. #3 Crazy frumpy lady with brown frumpy hair (I’m trying my best to be nice here!) in a silver 4 door who opted NOT to turn left in her designated lane at Clinkscales. Instead she thought it was just perfectly OK to just keep going straight, even though MY CAR was already in the correct lane, causing me to slam on my brakes and scream obscenities at the top of my lungs while laying on my horn. No “I’m sorry wave” no reaction at all. That (you gotta know whats coming) INFURIATED me so when she turned into D&H Pharmacy- I followed her (with my husband sinking lower into his seat-saying, “Awwwww, don’t do that-you’re going to get in trouble…) The frumpy moron pulled into the drive through pharmacy pick up lane, forcing (FORCING me I tell you) me to park, get out of my car and walk up to her passenger side window-where she was trying to be oblivious to the fact that I was beating on her window. I am not easily ignored. When She looked at me I bellowed, “You need to learn how to freaking drive!!!!” I was trying to keep from appearing totally psycho-and trying my best to not cuss the stupid fucking bitch out (yeah. THAT is what I didn’t want to scream in D&H Parking Lot-and I didn’t-go me) At which point she just looked at me like I was speaking Swahili. I got back in my car and drove home and came inside and took a Xanax. I need a deserted island. Sunshine, sand, and no irresponsible/unreliable/undependable employees or oblivious frumpy morons. That is code speak for stupid fucking bitches… 🙂
So, at 4:32 am to be exact I woke up to pee just in time to see the power go off-fucking great, since I HAD to be up at 5:30 am to drive to St. Louis this morning for training. So I fumble around in the dark for Michael’s iphone so I can set his timer. I go in and go pee, then stumble back to bed, knowing that I only have an hour to sleep IF I go back to sleep RIGHT NOW-which of course, I don’t. Instead I lay there and listen to it rain and think, “FUCK! I hate to drive in the rain, what if I hydroplane and have a horrible car crash?” Then while I am laying there trying to get comfortable and dwelling on how bad my back hurts and dreading the fact that tomorrow I have to have MORE injections in my back, I get tickled and have a epiphany. And here it is. I am prone to periods of depression and like anyone (everyone) who goes through periods of depression it can last a few hours up to weeks sometimes months. You just never know. There have been a handful of times in my life where I thought that life really wasn’t worth living and while I have only acted on this despondency once – anyone who has ever been through this before can tell you, there is nothing that makes you think, “Oh! I have to live for________ (fill in the blank my kids, my husband, my cat, etc…..) but for whatever reason, I continue to trudge through life, because I’m a masochist… Which brings me to my epiphany. I am obviously NOT going through a phase of depression right now, or I wouldn’t be afraid of driving in the rain. Or heights for that matter. Are people who are severely depressed or suicidal afraid of spiders? Heights? Snakes? The next time I am going through a period of depression, I am going to remember this posting and see if it makes a difference in my fear of heights or if I would actually challenge life itself……
Ahhh, 2016! Who knew I would ever make it this far! I have several things that I want to accomplish this year. Or at least START to accomplish this year. Getting ready to unload a bunch of stuff to work toward moving to a warmer climate-California would be awesome-but I’m not ruling out somewhere more tropical. Puerto Rico? It’s an option.
David Bowie died day before yesterday, it really hit me. More than him just being amazing. It hit me that so much of my adolescence and young adulthood/life has revolved around music and so many musicians and they are eventually going to die-and so am I. It HURT like I had lost a friend. So many songs that had so many memories attached to them.
It’s funny (ironic funny-not ha ha funny) I have been going through alot of periods of depression lately that are just really fucking hard. Trying to figure out where I’m going and the age old question of do I even want to bother? Today is one of those days when I’m not done living and I have so much more that I want to do. It’s just sometimes life is not fun and pretty much sucks. I remember when I divorced the kids’ dad and was so incredibly poor and it just didn’t look like I was going to be able to pull myself out of it-I would walk down to the Little Piney River and just sit there and listen to the water, and breathe deep and listen to the birds and the peeper frogs and FEEL the sun on my face, and sometimes that is just what I need.
Anyway. Back to 2016. I am going to try not to post a bunch of shit on facebook-I’ll keep it here. I’m also done playing scratchers on the lottery. I didn’t go nuts-but I would buy $20-$30 on payday and I logged it on quicken (I log all of my checkbook expenses on quicken-only slightly ocd) and when you actually LOOK at it , it’s more than a bit ridiculous. I’ll just throw $20-$30 in a jar and at the end of the year go shopping-makes a hell of a lot more sense. I’ve always maintained that you can’t win if you don’t play-but I figure I’ll win more if I just hang on to it!
For some reason, there were several stories that were in my “drafts” folder. I read them and then posted them. One of them is from 2 years ago. I should never leave anything in the drafts folder. One of them had a half a sentence that was just left hanging there. I read it and then laughed. Most of the time I am lucky to complete a thought while I am typing it. There is no way in hell I can complete a thought 18 months later!
Back in the day when I did all my drinkin and druggin, I ate junk food and if I did cook you can be sure it was loaded with additives and preservatives. Convenience foods if you will. Once I figured out that was a huge part of my constant fight against my weight (your body doesn’t know what to do with additives and preservatives-so it stores it-as fat), I gave it all up. I walked away from the cigarettes and weed and never looked back. Partly because my daughter told me that I had until my oldest grandchild was born (she was still a dream) because they would never be allowed in my house, much less get to spend the night. Partly because my son had just graduated with a double major in Criminal Justice and Law Enforcement and my quip of “You can’t bust your mother” was met with a grin that told me he would love to have a reason to pay me back for all the summers he was grounded growing up. But mostly because I started smoking when I was 15 and at the time I was 45 and had smoked twice as long as I hadn’t and it was just time. So, no vices unless you count my fluent profanity and penchant for sarcasm.
It seems sometimes that my whole life has been filled with the constant up and down of drugs and alcohol. Some of the drugs prescribed, some (OK-lots) self medication and the alcohol was partially mine but mostly others and all of it affecting me in one way or the other. So now I find myself at 54 on more drugs than I have ever been on in my life and it seems that every time I go to the store I have another new prescription to pick up.
The latest one is Zoloft and is an Anti-Depressant. It was prescribed because at my last Doctors appointment she asked if I was sleeping OK. I told her fine-I take an over the counter “Night Time Sleep Aid” and BAM! Out like a rock. I didn’t tell her that I have been doing this for close to 15 years and it works just fine. I don’t have a problem FALLING asleep-I have a problem STAYING asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night to pee and when I go back to bed I lay there and toss and turn and try to solve all the problems of the world at a time of the night where you can’t possibly solve anything. Or I re-live different parts of my life and play “What I should have done”. Or the same song plays over and over in my head. It’s like I told her-I can’t shut my brain off. With the NTSA which is essentially Benadryl, I get up, I go pee and I go right back to sleep-not a problem. She didn’t seem to think that this was good for me and put me on Zoloft. Ok. So I will be the first to admit that maybe an anti-depressant isn’t a bad idea. I come through a long line of Bi-Polar on both sides of my family, and I have always enjoyed the “manic” buzzzzzz and periodically go through the downward spiral of depression. Usually it doesn’t last too long, if you don’t count the several years in the 90’s where my husband moved out three times. And since I had just gone through my usually “I hate the holidays” funk, I decided to give it a whirl. So the first couple of days I definitely felt weird, and thought about kicking it to the curb. Then I actually did notice that I am a little calmer and while I still THINK the same things, my mind is actually processing thoughts a little slower and not everything seems to be buzzing around in my head at a frantic rate like normal, so I’ll give it a few weeks. Just one problem. One of the side effects is apparently, insomnia-ummm, what? Isn’t that just a teensy bit counter-productive? While I don’t find myself tossing and turning and looking at the clock every five minutes, thinking, “Oh My GOD! I have to get up in two hours!!” I am laying there, re-living my life and thinking I should just get up and write it all down, if for no other reason than to get it out of my brain.
I did come to the realization while rehashing several events (and yes, I will eventually put them in writing) that happened during my teen and twenties, that alot of what I allowed to happen while totally my fault came about because I come from a LONG line of “Bullshit Storytellers” , again, on both sides of the family. Looking back , I NOW realize that most of it was just that. Bullshit and a damn good story that as a small child I would sit there and listen to the adults around me compare stories about their escapades earlier in life. Oh, I’m sure there was some basis to the stories and a lot of exaggeration. And I know it has all made me who I am today-but some of the situations I put myself in while they are damn good stories, I am incredibly lucky to be alive. On the flip side, I definitely LIVED my life. How I managed #1 Not to die or #2 Not to end up in jail is by the grace of God, for which I am eternally grateful. There will be several stories that I will change names and leave out certain events-but I will try to put it down the way it played. Everything happens for a reason, you know. And it all ends up in the here and the now-again, Thank God.
This day has been in the making for several weeks. Several weeks for me to get prepared. Steph and Brad and the grandbabies are stopping on the way back from St. Louis. It is Brad’s Grandma’s 100th birthday celebration, and they have been there since Friday. And since they are going to be here, Clayton and Karla are coming up from Springfield to celebrate Christmas with everyone. Do you hear the theme music from “Jaws” playing in your head? I do. Since the weather is unseasonably nice for January, we are going to grill (that translates to Michael is going to grill). I have baked beans in the oven. At 9:04 am I received a text message from Clayton saying, “Getting ready to leave. Going to swing by “the trailer” for lunch. Hopefully that doesn’t take too long. Planning on getting to your place between 2 and 3. Do we need to bring anything?” I replied, ” Nope, have fun, hope you are bringing a hazmat suit.” The translation being “the trailer” is where their birth father lives. I have long since tried to make any sense out of why in the fuck, they would waste their time staying in touch with a huge piece of SHIT like Steve Ballard. But then I have to tell myself, that it is actually my fault that he is their father. Still, you lie with dogs, you’re gonna get fleas…” Clayton’s text was followed by one from Stephanie, who was up all night vomiting. Great. So I have piddled away my morning planning a fall get away to Arizona to visit relatives I haven’t seen in 30+ years. I just got a text from Steph. They are starting to pack-it is 12:35 pm, so that should put them here about 3:00. It is so nice to rate amongst (SIC) my children……It’s a damn good thing I gave up trying to hold any importance in their lives a long time ago. Well, maybe not so long ago, but at least a couple of years ago. Throw me a bone every now and then and they think they are doing great. After all, the are adults….with their own lives and families.