Swirling ’round the rabbit hole

My brain is going to explode

Or is it my heart?

WHY is the million dollar question

I have worked my ass off my whole life and for what? So I could get old and before I can even fucking retire I now have essential tremors that there really isn’t a treatment for. A nice genetic bullshit disease that I got from a father that couldn’t give me anything positive. No warm fuzzy memories of my childhood. Any memories I can come up with are destroyed by the continual verbal and physical abuse. Nothing like getting in a toddlers face and screaming at them how stupid and worthless they are.

Hell-I don’t know that I am going to get to retire. The future is looking pretty bleak right now. I fluctuate between wishing I could stop working or at least cut back. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I now have a job where there is -0- work/home balance. For instance:

I have been training a new manager for the last two weeks. I also still do not have anyone who can close on Thursday and Friday nights-so I have been doing 9-8:30 on Thursday and Friday for the past month. That would be the first month in our new store. I have averaged 56 hrs a week for the past month and I am exhausted.

I was off today. What did that look like? I did get up, drink my coffee sitting out by the pool. Got ready. Went to Trader Joes, and it started. I get a text from my opener that she isn’t feeling well. Backstory: I texted her on Tuesday to see how it went for her moving on Monday. She texted back that she was sick and still had things at the first place to pick up. I told her to feel better soon. That was on Tuesday. This is Saturday. She said that she had vertigo and just wasn’t doing well. I told her that she needed to go home. I had Ikram and Mia working, along with Danielle and Holli ( SM that is in training) . Holli said she could stay until 2. Ikram said she could stay until 6. Today is Mia’s third day-yes, her third day. So. At this stage of the game I am at the store. Sending Danielle home-she wanted to know if I thought she should get tested. No. I wanted to know why you haven’t already been tested since you have been sick ALL WEEK?! At this stage of the game, I’m just shaking my head.

Instead of doin a couple of edibles, floating on the pool and reading my book, I did-nothing. I spent the afternoon angry.

I thought-go get your toes done-you’ll feel better. First stop, half hour wait-thank you. Second stop, I stood at the desk for 5 minutes and then I left. 3rd stop, 5 minutes, have a seat. I sat there for 10 minutes and looked around and none was near ready to polish. So I left.

So

Angry

We had a friend invited over for dinner at 5. At 5:45 I had to excuse myself-because I had to go to work for an hour and then close the store. What a great day off.

That was yesterday. Today was a double treat!

I got to work at 9. Store opens at 11 on Sundays. At 10:50 Danielle called me. She tested positive for Covid. OF COURSE SHE DID. She was waiting to make her mind up about the vaccination. How’s that working for you? And how nice of you to involve all of us in your decision. I had to close the store down so we could have a cleaning company come in and deep clean. I lost a total days sales. Fucking great. But God Forbid that the company I work for grows a set and requires vaccinations and masks. Oh hell no-let everyone make their own decision-and let the morons rule the fucking world.

I closed the store and left at 12:30. Received a call to meet the cleaning company at 3:00. Sure, I’m a damn yo-yo. I was there at quarter to three. At three-fifteen I called only to find out that they went to the wrong location. Trying to figure out how they could get the right store number but the wrong address. They came in and sprayed everything down with a solution sprayed out of an applicator that you would spray weeds with. So it left my new clean store all drippy and spotty. Fuckers.

I went to get a lemon before I went home. Stopped to get a lottery ticket-why waste my money when my head is in this place. As my tickets were printing, the machine ran out of paper, it took 15 minutes for someone to come help me and for them to run all over the store checking different places for the paper for the machine. I had already paid for them or I would have left. I walked over to get a lemon (my original reason to stop at the store). I picked it up, walked to the front of the store and every line was backed up across the aisle. I wanted to throw the lemon across the store as hard as I could. I am having serious problems controlling my temper. So I went out to my car, got in and started screaming at the top of my lungs and scratched the hell out of my arm. I came home and lost

my

shit.

In between hysterical crying and trying not to scare the complete shit out of my husband, I tried to call

#1 A company called lifeworks, its a service offered through Sally’s, because it is politically correct to “care” about your employees. They put me on hold first, then as I am bawling and trrying to talk to her. She tells me, just a minute, I need to get some information for your file. I scream “AAAAAAHHHHHHHH NEVER…..FUCKING….MIND!

Michael comes up and I am in the floor, bawling. He helps me up and wants to take me to the hospital. I can’t go. I have to go to work tomorrow and I am training my new Assistant Manager. I try to call the Suicide Hotline (SH). That was fun:

SH: Hello.

Me: Hi

SH: Can you hear me?

Me: Yes

Dead silence.

SH: Are you there

Me: Yes

SH: What county are you calling from?

Me: Maricopa

SH: Maricopa? Is that in MO?

ME: No, Arizona.

I realize that it picked up on my phone number and routed it to MO. Not in MO. And apparently I have to talk to someone in AZ.

SH: I’m going to put you on hold so I can find out……

Me: Never…..fucking….mind

So they pretty much confirmed what I thought all along.

I really don’t matter. Fuck them

I threw myself in the shower. I got out and of course, Michael is agitated. He has had to deal with this shit for almost 30 years and he doesn’t know what to do. I have been dealing with it alot longer and I don’t know how to deal with it either.

I filled my medication organizer and left out enough Xanax to get me through the week and gave it all to him and told him to put it somewhere. I have enough to take down a bull elephant. I have an appointment with my shrink on Friday and something has got to be done. I am exhausted. I have to hang in there for a few more weeks, I’m going back to MO and I really need to be fixed.

Every day. Giant Mood Swings. One minute I’m ok, it can change in a heartbeat. I have been successful at controlling it at work. For Now.

I don’t want to lose my job.

Actually I can’t afford to lose my job. I took a $6/hr pay cut to triple my workload.

dumbass……

Fragmented thoughts going through my head.