Things to ponder at 4:30 am…..

So, at 4:32 am to be exact I woke up to pee just in time to see the power go off-fucking great, since I HAD to be up at 5:30 am to drive to St. Louis this morning for training.  So I fumble around in the dark for Michael’s iphone so I can set his timer.  I go in and go pee, then stumble back to bed, knowing that I only have an hour to sleep IF I go back to sleep RIGHT NOW-which of course, I don’t.  Instead I lay there and listen to it rain and think, “FUCK!  I hate to drive in the rain, what if I hydroplane and have a horrible car crash?”  Then while I am laying there trying to get comfortable and dwelling on how bad my back hurts and dreading the fact that tomorrow I have to have MORE injections in my back, I get tickled and have a epiphany.   And here it is.  I am prone to periods of depression and like anyone (everyone) who goes through periods of depression it can last a few hours up to weeks sometimes months.  You just never know.  There have been a handful of times in my life where I thought that life really wasn’t worth living and while I have only acted on this despondency once – anyone who has ever been through this before can tell you, there is nothing that makes you think, “Oh!  I have to live for________ (fill in the blank my kids, my husband, my cat, etc…..) but for whatever reason, I continue to trudge through life, because I’m a masochist…  Which brings me to my epiphany.  I am obviously NOT going through a phase of depression right now, or I wouldn’t be afraid of driving in the rain.  Or heights for that matter.  Are people who are severely depressed or suicidal afraid of spiders?  Heights? Snakes?  The next time I am going through a period of depression, I am going to remember this posting and see if it makes a difference in my fear of heights or if I would actually challenge life itself……